Sunday morning, I was headed towards the Glendale cage, after spending most of the night running around Tempe and Chandler driving very drunk students around ASU and the surrounding environs. After I had passed the 32nd Street/University Drive exit, a call came over the computer for an address at 32nd St. and University. Jenny needed a ride.

I got turned around and headed back, took the exit, and pulled up in front of the Waffle House. Jenny is what we refer to as a “character”. Jenny had bright red hair, like the Wendy’s Hamburgers sign, and she wore it in two ponytails – like the Wendy’s Hamburgers sign. Instead of freckles, though, Jenny had sparkly makeup on. And overalls. And glow stick bracelets. And breath that could be bottled and sold as 100 proof. Jenny was very happy to see me, and asked if I could take her home. Being too tired to come up with a really snappy answer, I said “Of course. That’s what I do.” I started loading her bicycle into the trunk, and things started to click together a bit. Jenny said “I have no idea how I got here.” I mentioned that it would appear she rode her bike. She said “Well, yeah, but I mean, I left a party that was two blocks from my house and I ended up riding on the FREEWAY for f**** sake, and then I f****** fell off my f****** bike. I figured I was too drunk to finish riding home.”

Colorful character, colorful language. How could this possibly get any better? “I live in Tempe. Can you take me there?” We were a couple of miles from Tempe, so the mystery about the party two blocks away from her home deepened. We started down University, since that was the straightest line back to Tempe. Jenny had insisted on sitting up front, and I have learned not to argue with drunks. I have also learned not to turn my back on drunks.

As we passed under the 143, she said “Can you f****** believe that I ended up on that freeway? And I f****** fell off my bike!” I said “That sounds like it hurt, and you’re lucky you didn’t get hit.”

“I know, right?” That classic ‘I wanna act and talk about half my age’ line made me take a closer look – she wasn’t exactly new freshman age, if you know what I mean. “Thanks again for saving me!”

She gave me directions to her house – right here, left there, straight on for a while… we pulled up in front of the house she had an apartment in. The meter read $12.25. She started digging in her backpack/purse (did I mention the fairy wings attached to her backpack? Yeah – same color as her hair.) She was talking a mile a minute, digging around, and pulling out various items. One item, a rather large glowstick, she says she won at the party for being the “glowiest”. No, really, she said that. She kept handing me packages of glowsticks (unopened) and various flotsam and jetsam out of her backpack. She eventually came up with eighteen dollars in bills. She said “Oh, shoot. Hang on, I’ve got more inside.”

Well, that was already the meter and a nice tip, so I said as much. She said (here is where I started yearning for the camera – she stood there, with her knees together, toes pointed towards one another, slightly bent at the knees, dreamy look in her eyes…) “You SAVED my LIFE! I need to get more!”

As I was unloading her bike and rolling it towards her door, she popped out and said “Hang on, don’t go anywhere! I’m still looking!”

I parked her bike, and started back towards the cab. She popped out again, “I’ve almost found it!” I closed the trunk.

She came skipping down the sidewalk, and stopped in front of me – danger close. I backed up a half step. She stepped forward three quarters of a step. She popped open a twenty dollar bill, and said “Here you go! I wish I had more to give you!” I took another half step back, and she stepped forward again, as I said “Really, this is very generous, and more than enough. Have a good morning!”

Before I could get out of range, she struck.

Gathering all her happy-drunk courage, she threw her arms around me. I started to turn and twist out, but she landed a big ol’ sloppy kiss on my cheek, under my left ear. She released her hold, and skipped back up the sidewalk and into her door.

I wiped my cheek, and examined my hand – just as I thought. I was now wearing sparkles on my cheek. I got back in the cab, and made a beeline for the car wash. While the car was getting it’s bath, I used all the napkins and paper towels I could find in the glove box to make sure I didn’t have a trace of the glitters left.

I have GOT to start taking the camera with me.

Chat ya later…

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